A Healed Me + An Unhealed Environment

You don't realize how far you've come, how much you've healed, or how much you've rewritten old beliefs... until you find yourself immersed in an environment that holds all of that again.

I’m sitting at home, feet up, utterly exhausted from the past few days. My grandmother had surgery last Monday, and I spent this week at her house to help care for her in her initial recovery.

Besides being an ex-registered nurse and having the ‘skills’ to do so- I also care deeply for my grandparents and I jump at the chance to help them whenever I can. Growing up, my mother was a single mom for most of my childhood- and I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house. Most of my good memories involve them and their home.

Thus… returning ‘home’ reminds me of my childhood in all the best ways (even if their physical home has changed since then). As soon as I walk through their doors, the smell of hot soup on the stove, the cozy warmth of a wood burning stove, and the sound of a kettle boiling for tea- all instantly transport me back in time to the years I’m most fond of.

But while there’s a sense of safety, happiness and peace I feel within their walls- this past week also gave me an opportunity to reflect upon a different sensation I’ve often felt while being there, which is the feeling of being triggered.

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To be clear, I’m turning 34 this year, and being triggered isn’t something new for me.

My life, and especially my childhood, has been filled with many traumatic moments- and my childhood wasn’t always stable or packed with love. My grandparents also, despite their best intentions, passed down a lot of limiting, sheltered and even toxic beliefs- most of which I am sure they are not even aware of.

I’ve worked hard in the last ten years to clear a lot of these beliefs, and heal a lot of these wounds. But I’m still human and I’m not immune to the way an environment holding ‘old energy’ can impact you- and this week? I really noticed it.

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Life is hard.

My grandparents are 80 + 86 years old- and they are from a generation that struggled immensely to survive. From families of 5 and 13 children, they were taught from a very young age that food was hard to come by, you used every single scrap of what you had available, and that you were expected to work hard- no matter your age.

Scarcity wasn’t temporary, they absorbed it as part of their identity- something that they have yet been able to break away from, despite now having more than enough available to them for resources, food, and money.

Fast forward to the present, this shows up as in massive amounts of clutter in every space you look- from piles of old bread ties, to previously used tinfoil or ceran wrap, canned goods that expired years ago, or a fridge full of items well-past their prime that should have been tossed weeks or months ago.

It shows up in their inability to rest, to take care of themselves or take time off. They associate rest with laziness- and this is especially true for my grandma. She’s given every single piece of herself to everyone else her entire life, and she doesn’t know how to give to herself or say no.

Just this week, fresh out of surgery, she had a hard time ‘resting’. I had to kick her out of the kitchen multiple times and make her lay down, because she felt responsible for making meals for the family despite me being there to do all of that.

Finally, this also shows up in their beliefs about money- the ‘limited’ nature of it, how the only way to make money is to exchange your time for it, that people with lots of money are greedy, and how there will never be enough, no matter how hard you try.

In being home for a week- I saw these beliefs more clearly than I’ve ever seen them before. Which might possibly be because I’m in the process of rewriting my own personal relationship with money at this time. Either way, I felt it deeply in a lot of the conversations we had.

They don’t understand what it is that I do online or how I make money doing what I’m doing. They don’t get podcasting or writing as careers, and because it’s not physical, they can’t justify it as work. It’s hard to explain to them so I’ve previously felt myself getting frustrated or annoyed when I’ve spoken, and honestly… I hate that.

I know that my grandma is disappointed that I gave up nursing and would give anything to have me renew my license to keep practicing in the field. I used to think that this was a ‘control’ thing, but lately… I see it more clearly for what it actually is.

My grandma? She was a caregiver her whole entire life.

She had to care for her mom when she was just a child, and she was expected to run her household as the woman of the house when her mother was no longer able. She then married young, and had six children of her own. She never had the opportunity to have a career other than a caregiver, wife and mom- and she’s let it slip to me before that she would have loved to be a nurse.

So in a way, I guess you could say that she’s actually been unconsciously passing down her dreams and desires too- not just her beliefs and fears.

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Family image.

Outside of the beliefs noted above, the other (and probably biggest) thing that I’ve been unpacking for years in therapy is this- our family? It’s actually quite toxic.

My family dynamic (including grandparents, kids, and grandkids) has a lot of narcissism, manipulation and control inside of it- most heavily associated with certain individuals. Thus, I learned from a young age that there was a hierarchy to how our family worked- and it was important that you fell into line, or else.

Good girls and women were to be seen and not heard. It was especially important that the outside world did not know any of your ‘business’ and what was happening inside of the family walls. In fact, to everyone else, you must appear perfect. Don’t speak up or out of turn, bite your tongue, do as you are expected to do.

Now, I’ve been hyperaware of how this has been showing up in my own life lately, and I’ve been working hard to release a lot of the ‘good girl’ persona that led me to become a chronic people-pleaser for most of my life.

But in my grandma, and in their home? I can feel it in how she speaks and the expectations she has for herself (and thus me) about the proper way to live your life. To her, it doesn’t matter what someone has done or how shitty of a person they are- you must forgive them and make space for them in your life.

Or my favourite… how you need to give everything that you have, everything that you are, to your spouse, children, boss- and if you’re lucky, there might be something left for you at the end of the day.

It’s heartbreaking, to say the least. And it makes me wonder how many others out there have been raised with the same unconscious expectations-

no wonder we’re all struggling to love ourselves.

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Observe, not absorb.

For four days, every single conversation that I had with my grandparents stemmed through one of these unconscious beliefs or expectations.

It’s not a big deal when I’m there for an afternoon or a day- resetting afterwards is quick, and I’m able to hold onto my own beliefs quite easily.

But four days? Well, you’re constantly immersed in it- and everything that you say might possibly be met with a lack of understanding, some tension or a disagreement.

In the past, I would have either felt the frustration rise inside of me with each ‘trigger’, and I would have allowed that to consume me. I would have had to use my tools regularly, take frequent breaks to step outside and clear my mind- or, I would have tried to argue back about how I now see the world without their limitations.

But something was different this time… in how I showed up and the energy that I was able to meet this situation with. It was like I seen them and their perspectives more clearly than I ever have- and even though I don’t agree, I can understand and have empathy for the way that they see the world.

Truthfully, I don’t think that it was ever about control or with a purpose or intent to make me feel smaller, or ashamed. I truly think that their intentions might actually have been from a place of love- to keep me safe and protected in life.

Now this might sound backwards… but hear me out.

Our ego’s are the part of us that like to keep us safe, nestled inside of our cozy little comfort zones- and how we STAY safe, is by never venturing outside of those lines.

My grandparents have lived their entire lives one way. The way that they were taught, with the same rules, expectations and conditions I’ve outlined above. Their beliefs and fears were passed down to them from the generations before- and then were reinforced through their own lives and experiences.

They’ve never challenged that comfort zone or stepped over the line to see what might happen. They’ve allowed that subconscious path within their minds to become so well-beaten, it might as well be laid in concrete.

So… in their minds? There is no other way. They can’t see it, let alone believe it- and unfortunately, it’ll probably be that way until the day they die.

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For some reason, this was the first time this understanding has clicked so deeply for me, despite having ‘known’ this for years.

I found myself recognizing the trigger zap through my nervous system like a lightening bolt every time something was said- only this time, it felt like it dissipated and disappeared almost instantly.

At times, I would gaze at my grandmother in awe and wonder. I felt like I could see and feel the pain she must have experienced in her life- the ways she was told no and believed no was the only answer.

The ways she was forced to shrink, to be silent, to barely survive- and my heart aches for her and the limitations she experienced in her life. I found myself sad for her and tearing up at the thought of what it must have been like to live, think and exist like that for 80 years.

But here’s the thing. At the same time? I also felt immense gratitude for my life.

Without realizing it myself, I’ve become a trail blazer for my family. The first to go to University, and then the first to choose something different for her life by walking away from that education.

The first to cut ties with toxic family members and the first to stand up for herself and put in boundaries. The first to decide she wanted more for her life and the first to do whatever she pleases, without looking for validation or permission from anyone else.

The truth is that I’ve been the outspoken one, the bold one, the black sheep. I’ve said and done the things that most can only dream of- and maybe even the things that they WOULDN’T dream of doing.

And when I look at it from that perspective? Well, dam- it’s kind of a flex to be triggered.

Because the truth is that I’m only feeling the way I’m feeling because of the path I’ve chosen, the growth I’ve made, and how far I have actually come in healing my old wounds and beliefs.

I wouldn’t be triggered if I was the same as my grandparents or my family. I wouldn’t notice the ‘sting’ of the questions they ask or the things they say- because I would have thought and spoken in the exact same way.

The fact that I am triggered by their words means that I have grown. It means that I’ve done something right, that I’ve worked on myself- and that I have healed (or am in the process of healing).

This shift in perspective was a beautiful game changer for me this week, and it really influenced the way that I showed up in every interaction that we had. I was able to set down a lot of my old frustrations and just be present with my grandparents, without a need or desire to change anything.

I was able to shift the conversation when I could, hear them speak when I couldn’t, and not take anything personally when it was shared.

The result was something I can’t quite put into words- but it was probably one of the most heart-centered, cup-filling visits I have ever had with them.

But the best part is? Suddenly I feel as if I can look at all environments and people this way.

Because the truth is- you’ll never not be a healed you in an unhealed environment.

The more you work on yourself, the more you grow and expand, the more you release the limitations you currently have… the greater the gap you create between you and those who have not.

So instead of fighting those who haven’t had the strength or been brave enough to escape their own comfort zones- what if we could use this perspective to have a little more compassion?

What if we could allow ourselves to view each human being as a warrior fighting to break free of their own prison?

What if we could, for just a moment, put on the rose coloured glasses from which they see the world- and simply accept that it is different from our own without a need to change it?

Call me crazy, but I think we just might heal the world that way.

And it’s a perspective that I’m willing to fully get behind.

Here for the triggers,

Brianne xx