We teach girls to hate their bodies. Then we sell them the fix. Part two. Find part one HERE.
“If you would have gotten on the plane to Toronto next week, you would have died” - my surgeon informed me, in no uncertain terms.
During the 10 days that I was going back and forth to the hospital for IV antibiotics, my swab results came back. MRSA. A superbug that is difficult to eliminate.
Turns out that the infection had grown and spread so deeply, that it was sitting right overtop of my heart. Had I ignored the signs and still went to the competition, chances are I wouldn’t be here writing to you right now.
While we’re not certain on exactly what happened, my guess is that I picked it up in the hospital while working bedside as a nurse, and because I was often going to the gym afterwards, getting sweaty and not showering right away- it likely got into my incision and began to fester.
I called the director of the competition, Dennis, and let him know I wasn’t going to be able to make it. I’m pretty sure he could hear the devastation in my voice- so luckily, my fees and spot were to be transferred to the next year.
After that, I spent three months in the summer of 2015 never taking my shirt off. I refused to let Charles see me naked- and I didn’t put a swimsuit on once. No beach days, no pool days, no suntanning. Just me and my t-shirt, feeling sorry for myself.
You could say that the hatred for my body and myself was even stronger as a result- basically the complete opposite of what I thought would happen.
But, as I counted down the days until September (when I could finally get my implants put back in), I was then faced with a whole other dilemma: my implants could no longer be placed above the muscle like they were the first time- and would need to be placed underneath.
—> If you’re unfamiliar with breast implants and the process behind them, allow me to walk you through this briefly.
When you go in for your initial consultation, you’re basically wearing a bra with giant pockets. And in those giant pockets, the surgeon will place implants of different sizes, to give you an indication of what they might look like after surgery.
You get to choose the size (like how many cc’s), the type of implant you want (saline, silicone or gummy bear), but also- how you want them inserted. Above the muscle is more of the ‘perkier’ look, whereas below the muscle results in a ‘more natural’ looking breast (but is definitely harder to heal from as the muscle is physically cut and displaced).
When I chose above the muscle, it was because I wanted the perkier look- but I also wanted less recovery. So after the infection, when going above the muscle was no longer an option (I guess because of scar tissue and stuff?), under it was.
The reinsertion of my implants (new ones, of course), was the beginning of a very long journey for me- and a huge part of the reason why I am so vocal to women about not getting them done.
September of that year came quickly, and the surgery went well. It was definitely more painful than the first go around, and recovery took a lot longer. I personally hate pain medicine and try to avoid it all costs- but there were days where that choice wasn’t possible.
Then, several weeks after the surgery, I began to notice something ‘weird’ happening. My left breast? Normal. Healing well. Looked pretty dam good.
But my right breast, where the infection had been? The implant was sitting high in my chest- 2 inches above the other one… and it wasn’t dropping.
Upon consultation with my surgeon, we discovered that the scar tissue that had built up was preventing the implant from moving to where it was supposed to post-surgery.
Which, long story short- meant that more surgery was needed.
For the next two years, I proceeded to go back in for four additional surgeries- 3 reconstructive (cutting away tissue attempting to get the implant to drop), and 1 liposuction (removing fat from my stomach and thighs to ‘fill in’ the ‘divots’ that had now appeared in my right breast as a result of all the other surgeries.
7 surgeries between 2015-2016. And I still thought that breast implants were the ticket to loving my body and myself more. Pretty fucked up, am I right?
The craziest part looking back I think, isn’t how much I ignored my intuition or the ‘signs’, but rather, just how DEEP the programming and conditioning was that caused all that. It really puts it into perspective just how corrupt the beauty industry is.
When I finally competed again in the competition in 2016, I was actually in the middle of all my surgeries- and my implant still hadn’t dropped.
In fact, in the swimsuit competition, I actually pinned my hair to my swimsuit strap so that it would hang over my left breast and hide the difference in height.
And btw, before you get all excited, the answer is no… I didn’t win 🥲
So now seems like a great time to interject and tell you something I recently learned this year about getting breast implants- and especially about getting them in Canada.
Something you might not know, I sure as fuck didn’t, is that breast implants actually come with a black box warning. Your surgeon is supposed to inform you of this prior to surgery- which mine didn’t, and from what I’ve heard, is generally the case in 95% of breast augmentation surgeries. Or at least it was.
A black box warning comes from the FDA for breast implants, and it’s supposed to alert patients that implants can cause Breast Implant–Associated Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma (BIA‑ALCL), that they may lead to systemic symptoms (“breast implant illness”), and are not lifetime devices, with risks increasing over time.
These risks are supposed to be discussed verbally to you, and provided in writing. I received neither- and the ‘consent’ form that I signed prior to surgery didn’t expand on these specific risks either.
I found this out just in the last couple of years-around the same time that I discovered that Canada is actually one of the scariest and most dangerous places to get a breast augmentation done.
Yes, you heard me correctly.
As it turns out- Canada is the ONLY G7 country (and one of the few first-world countries), that in fact, does NOT have a breast implant registry.
What is that you might ask? Well let me explain it like this…
You know when you have a particular model of a car, lets say a 2010 Dodge Ram Truck- and something is discovered regarding the manufacturing that results in a recall… what happens?
Generally, you’ll receive a notice in the mail telling you to bring it in for a free-of-charge inspection (and potentially a repair). Chances are that even if you no longer own the vehicle, but have at some point in your life- you’re still going to get a notice in the mail.
Well, a breast implant registry is supposed to be the same- like any other medical device. But in Canada- it simply does not exist.
Which means that if there is ever an issue with your implants, a recall, cancer, or other problems, you literally will not know unless you happen to stumble across the information yourself.
Your surgeon doesn’t notify you. The manufactures don’t. Nobody does. And somehow these toxic bags are still touted as ‘safe’ and as an approved beauty option.
Pretty scary, huh?
My implants were recalled and part of a class action lawsuit- and the only reason I found out was because I had joined a FB group to ask about some of the symptoms that I had been noticing.
When I first got my implants, there was no backing to Breast Implant Illness. It wasn’t just not discussed as a potential risk- it literally was mocked and ridiculed by surgeons everywhere The research wasn’t there yet, and therefore, people chose to listen to the available ‘science’ over what was actually happening with women all over the world.
I was one of those women.
For years I struggled with unexplained symptoms. Chronic fatigue. A brain fog I just couldn’t shake. Horrible cystic acne. My hair getting dull and falling out. Insomnia. Severe aches and pains all over my body. Chronic migraines. The list goes on.
I was a very healthy person. A little psycho when it came to living a ‘clean’ life. I did all the right things, bounced doctor to doctor, naturopath to naturopath- and still, I couldn’t shake the symptoms.
That’s when I joined the FB group looking for answers- and was slapped hard in the face with stories just like mine, from women who were suffering with the exact same symptoms.
I felt validation and relief- but also anger as I began to learn about all of these things that I ‘should have’ known before surgery but wasn’t properly informed of.
Fun Fact: Did you know that in 2023 the FDA determined that 38% of women who get breast implants end up with Breast Implant Illness between 1-5 years after? And that is ONLY the reported cases! I hadn’t reported mine, and I’m sure most women are the same. So how much higher is that number really? I’d estimate it’s likely double.
I made the decision then to get an explant.
But of course financially, it just wasn’t possible at that time for me. Despite having health complications, an explant is still considered an elective surgery- and is something that you have to pay for (at least in Alberta, Canada).
$9,500 was how much it would cost to have them removed (almost as much as the insertion 10 years prior that cost $15,500 including interest on the loan).
At this time (2023-2024) I just didn’t have access to the required funds due to my life blowing up, my business failing, and being forced into a bankruptcy.
So it wasn’t actually until the start of 2025, when my symptoms progressed into ‘capsular contraction’ (think swelling and an excruciating stabbing pain in my breasts and armpits, which is basically the scar tissue around the implant shrinking and hardening), that I decided once and for all that I needed to find a way to get the surgery done.
Luckily, I had a family member that I was able to borrow money from- and my explant took place on November 18th, 2025.
This recovery was by far the hardest of ANYTHING I had to do before and was met with its own wave of problems (another infection that put me in the hospital, which I can share more about in another post if requested).
But regardless, it was still the best decision that I have ever made.
Instantly upon waking up in recovery, I felt the fog that I had been carrying for years lift- and a clarity filled me that I still can’t quite explain.
It’s now been almost a year since my explant (coming up on the anniversary in just a few weeks!), and this last year has been a wild one. Recovery hasn’t been easy- and there are still symptoms that I am working through that haven’t quite left.
But you know what is even more interesting, outside of all the medical related problems that I endured throughout this? It’s how much the relationship with myself changed over the last 10 years- and the love that I have now found for my body.
I realized looking back that as much as I thought I loved my implants and having ‘big boobs’, the truth is that I actually just wanted to love them and didn’t.
I felt masculine and more ‘butch’ with larger breasts- not at all feminine and petite. Dressing was a challenge and I struggled to find clothes that fit well on me. Sleeping was also a nightmare, and my back was in constant pain for years.
By the time the explant rolled around I had actually went from thinking I loved my implants to almost hating them- and literally craving having a small chest again.
It feels so funny to write that.
But now here I am post-surgery, with scars, itty bitty titties, and an unevenness in my breasts- and I am head over heels in love with it all. I am OBSESSED with how I look in the best way possible, and I am thoroughly enjoying ‘rocking my scars’ every single time I put on a bathing suit.
What used to be the thing I hated the most, is now the thing that I love the most.
And that feels pretty dam special to declare out loud.
So I guess what I want to end this with, is by reminding you of two very important things that I think we all need to remember when it comes to the beauty industry, media programming, and our bodies.
Here goes nothing:
→ the first thing that I want you to realize, is that there is nothing wrong with you.
You are literally 100% perfect exactly as you are. You don’t need to look a certain way, dress a certain way, do a certain thing or change anything about yourself.
You quite literally, are a masterpiece. And you are worthy of love right now in this moment. The faster that you recognize that and learn to love every single OUNCE of your body, mind and soul- the faster all your problems will disappear. I seriously promise you that.
This leads us to #2, and that is this:
→ a decision made in hatred will never make you happy, especially when it comes to permanently altering your body.
We can strive to feel better. To take care of our bodies and do things that feel good or help us to feel better about ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with a little self-care or making changes.
But the thing is… the energy in which we are doing that, matters.
If your taking steps to ‘change’ your body or ‘fix’ your body because you hate it or think that there is something wrong- you’ll never be happy with the end result.
Think about why you’re doing things. The reason behind it. The energy behind it. Choose to focus on doing things because you LOVE your body and you want to take care of it, instead.
If you can do that- I believe you’ll always be happy with your decision.
And chances are, you won’t have to spend $25,000 on permanently altering your body like I did, just to find that out.
If you want more musings like this
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About the Author:
Hey there! I’m Brianne, the messy human behind love, sunday. I’m a full-time writer, speaker, and host of the Go Regulate Yourself podcast. Born and raised a small-town Alberta girl, I now spend six months a year travelling the globe in search of a slower, softer way of living.
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