Not Enough + Too Much

The feeling when you find yourself in that tricky spot of 'becoming', and you almost mistrust the good, sabotage the growth, and believe the ego.

I’m having one of those days where it feels like I am not enough and yet somehow, too much all at the same time. Yesterday was the start of my moon- and it hit me so much harder than my last few previous cycles have.

On one hand I think it’s because I’m detoxing (hello Zeolite)- or perhaps it’s just simply because everything in my life has been simultaneously coming to a head over the last few weeks- and I’m just really starting to feel the impact now.

Regardless of the reason, lets just say that things have been… weird.

Not a bad weird per se. And in some ways maybe even a really good weird. But the fact is that they just haven’t been ‘normal’ (compared to what I am used to), and I’m having a really hard time adjusting.

Part of me wanted to run away today. Run away from how I’m feeling, run away from what I’m working on, heck… even run away from my life. But I stopped myself again and again because I know that is not the way that I respond to challenges in my life now.

That is an old reaction. A desire to escape learned from years of seeking safety.

And the thing is, when I stop to acknowledge that… I can see that I’m actually safer right now than I have been in a really long time.

The truth is that my nervous system is more regulated than it’s been in years. My passion for what I do and the desire to get creative spills out of me each day like a faucet that I am unable to turn off.

And I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in my entire life- surrounded by people, things, and thoughts that make my heart want to burst wide open.

But yet here I am- desiring an escape for some reason. Unconsciously sabotaging my goals because everything good that I am feeling right now feels wrong. Like it’s too good to be true or that the rug is going to get pulled out from underneath of me at any second.

And that’s all it is you know… me simply mistrusting the good. Because for years it wasn’t good. For years it was hard and painful. For years my nervous system and my ego learned to normalize the pain and struggle.

So as a result, today I find myself vibrating with anxiousness. Struggling to concentrate. It feels as if all I am doing isn’t enough. Like it might never be enough. And yet, at the exact same time it feels that I am asking, giving, and as a result, being- too much.

This is temporary, I know. I can see that, logically. But what is happening inside my body feels illogical and unable to be controlled. Like maybe it’s not supposed to be.

I think this is all part of the growth. Part of the healing cycle. My ego is just trying to keep me safe as I navigate this familiar bumpy, dark and uncomfortable space.

You know the one, right?

The uncomfortable space of growth between who we are and who we are yet to be.

The uncomfortable space of leaning into a new identity and still white knuckling the old one, scared to let go and see what might be next.

The uncomfortable space of deciding- and demanding- more for our lives.

So while my ego wants me to believe that this is unsafe, that it’s not possible and that I am to remain stuck here forever… I will instead allow these questions to circulate in my mind.

What if it is better than I could ever have imagined it to be?

What if it was more than possible for me to achieve the things that take up every nook and cranny of space within my heart and mind?

What if I am worthy of everything I desire and more?

I trust that I know the way, and I trust that this day shall pass. Where I am right now is not where I am going to stay. And as much as I want to run away- instead here I will sit, in front of my computer, hands on the keyboard, and I will type.

Because nothing good ever came from self-doubt anyway.

To being the perfect right amount,

Brianne xx