I’ve been avoiding writing this for weeks now.
photo from Pinterest
Even now as I sit down to type this out- I find myself uncomfortably shifting in my chair, picking up my phone to scroll social media, or even searching for things to buy online that I most certainly don’t need.
I don’t want to write this. I want to live in denial. To pretend it’s still the same.
Holding onto the last few pieces of what I used ‘to be’. What I used ‘to do’. What I said that this space was going ‘to be for’.
When I started this Substack publication, I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it.
But as it turns out, everything I thought I knew wasn’t actually true.
One year ago I said that I didn’t want to be a coach anymore. I didn’t want to lead others through their healing. I didn’t want to be responsible for their growth. I didn’t want to have to teach them, hold their hands or lead them.
And yet… here I am. Showing up and forcing myself to write about things just because I said I would or because I thought I had too. I literally took the chapter that I said was closing, and started it again on a new page.
Without realizing it, I made my writing a form of coaching. I put pressure on myself to say the right things, write about stuff I felt I had too, or forced myself to over-analyze every word for the sake of how others might perceive it.
But I don’t want to do this anymore… and I’m recognizing the pattern now.
The truth is that I genuinely want to write for me. About the things I’m most excited about. What I’m learning. Exploring. Discovering. Enjoying.
I want writing to be fun again- rather than the ‘work’ I’ve made it out to be in the last few months. This started out fun. Then I got my head wrapped to far around what it needed to be. What I needed it to look like. How it was comparing to others.
It stopped being easy. It got hard. I felt anxiety every time I sat down at the keyboard. My mind would go blank. I’d try to numb. And eventually… I just started procrastinating and avoiding doing any writing at all because I wanted to avoid saying what I’m about to say.
So here it goes, the full, hard stop truth?
Things around here are changing. What I thought I wanted The 30 Something Bible to be is not what it is going to end up as.
I don’t want to focus on writing about healing and trauma. I already use my voice for this deeply in my verbal creative work with my podcast Go Regulate Yourself.
And while I think there will still be pieces that filter into my writing about this- the truth is that I don’t want it to be the CORE of my work.
Rather, I want to write about all the delicious things in life.
I want to write about joy. Actually living AND loving life. The things that I get to experience. What I’m grateful for. The wonders of the world. Romanticizing my life. Stepping into the main character energy I’ve been after for a while. Having fun.
I want to write without a filter. Without a niche. Without putting myself into a box and overthinking every little dam thing that my fingers type onto this keyboard.
I want to write because I simply want to write. Not because I think I have too.
And honestly I think that’s what we all need a little bit more of in this space and in the state of the world right now.
Intention matters, and my intention lately hasn’t been great.
It’s been one of avoidance- which is something that I’m making a choice to dismantle and rewrite now, before I continue moving forward.
So here I am, giving myself permission to change.
The 30 Something Bible is about to have a rewrite. The energy, the focus, the purpose, and the intention will be shifting. Expect things to look different in the weeks and months that follow as I step fully into alignment with what it is that I truly want to create here.
I hope you’ll stick around for the ride- but if not, that’s okay too.
Thank you for being here as I move through this messy journey of life.
And if you’re here in the same spot as me, let this be a reminder that you also have permission to change your mind, to shift or pivot, and to do whatever is required to come more fully into alignment with who it is that you want to be.
So I guess I’ll catch you in the next essay 🫶🏽
Love, Brianne xx
P.S. If something I shared today made you think, smile, or feel something deep inside- you can now buy me a tea to help fuel even more early morning creative sessions 💌
About the Author:
Hey there! I’m Brianne, the messy human behind The 30 Something Bible. I’m a full-time writer, speaker, and host of the Go Regulate Yourself podcast. Born and raised a small-town Alberta girl, I now spend six months a year travelling the globe in search of a slower, softer way of living.
I’m so honoured to have you here in my little corner of the internet- and I hope that my journey inspires you to demand more for your life. Thanks for being here!
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Writing feels like such a personal, almost intimate act that it's only natural it would reflect all the changes and perspectives that you go through. But of course, there can be other motivators involved that have an influence. Must feel so freeing to have made that decision and to put it out in the world!
The part about making your writing a form of coaching without noticing that landed. I did something similar where I turned a hobby into a kind of performance of the hobby, and by the time I caught it, I’d already drained most of what made it enjoyable in the first place. The shift back felt almost embarrassingly small once I finally made it.