I felt like I lost you yesterday.
You’re still alive, still very much here in your physical form- but the part of you that I knew, that I connected with and loved, I fear is no longer here.
I stood there staring into your eyes as tears glistened in mine, recognizing that this is the start of a brand new chapter- one that I’m in no way ready to embark upon yet.
You didn’t notice, of course. But I did.
I noticed the way my heart sank and my jaw unconsciously clenched. I noticed the way frustration flooded through my body and how I felt guilty for that. And I definitely noticed the moment it all clicked into place and I thought…
When was the last time?
The last time I remember you being sharp as a whip?
The last time I remember you telling a story without repeating yourself?
The last time I remember you walking without assistance?
The last time I remember you smiling and actually looking happy?
The last time I remember you… as you.
The truth is that now that I stop to think about it, I can’t remember.
I can’t remember the last time your home smelled like fresh baked bread, or I found you digging in your garden, or you were in your woodshed building something.
I can’t remember the last time you made popcorn that didn’t come in a bag, or we played parcheesi together, or I woke up to the smell of fresh made pancakes on a Saturday morning.
I can’t remember the last time you made us mini pizza boats, or you put toothpaste on a bee-sting, or you picked me a bouquet from your flower bed.
I can’t remember any of it. And my heart is breaking because of it.
But that’s the thing right? One time it was the last time. I just didn’t realize it. I wish that I would have. I wish that I would have appreciated those moments just a little bit more. A little bit longer. I wish that I would have realized it was the last time- and allowed that to imprint upon my mind. My heart. My soul.
Because here I am now, staring into your eyes. The part of you that used to hold so much wisdom, sparkle and delight- and all I see now is something that wasn’t here before.
The you that stands here with me, isn’t the you that I know.
I will never again see that version of you.
The chapter of what was is closing- and I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.
I’m not ready to turn the page, to start anew. I’m not ready to embark upon brand new territory. I’m not ready to let go of everything I’ve ever known.
And yet, deep down inside, I know that I have no choice.
Even though you are still very much here… today I feel like I’ve lost you.
This piece today was inspired by a very real encounter I had with my grandparents last week- and it surprised me how hard this was to write. Every line was written with tears in my eyes, as I acknowledge the inevitable changes that are happening with the cycle of life.
I hope that for anyone else who might be struggling with aging loved ones, facing the heartache of dementia, or even just recognizing the loss of a relationship with someone you’ve cared deeply for- that this article helps you feel a little less alone today.
Sending you love,
Brianne xx
P.S. If something I shared today made you think, smile, or feel something deep inside- you can now buy me a tea to help fuel even more early morning creative sessions 💌
About the Author:
Hey there! I’m Brianne, the messy human behind love, sunday. I’m a full-time writer, speaker, and host of the Go Regulate Yourself podcast. Born and raised a small-town Alberta girl, I now spend six months a year travelling the globe in search of a slower, softer way of living.
Here, I write about romanticizing each day, how to become the main character of your life, what living out of a suitcase is teaching me, and all the ways to create a life more magical and delicious than your wildest dreams.
I’m so honoured to have you here in my little corner of the internet- and I hope that my journey inspires you to demand more for your life. Thanks for being here!
💬 Feel free to like or comment on this newsletter so more Substack users can find it!
Sad, I felt it all. Beautiful.
Sending you a big hug and so much love. It's such a hard page to turn even while the paper is still between one's fingertips. Even though you can't remember when the last times have been, what's most important are the memories themselves, and you already cherish them so deeply.