The Consequences of Unleashing Your Voice
What no one tells you about finding your voice, learning to speak up for yourself, and finally saying no in your life.
Be a good little girl.
Growing up there was an unspoken rule that good little girls should be seen and not heard. Be quiet. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t talk back. Don’t ask questions. Always do what you’re told. And for god’s sake- do NOT talk about your problems to anyone outside the home.
Your life should appear perfect. It doesn’t matter if it actually is- all that matters is what other people see and believe about you. Because if someone doesn’t like you, if someone has something bad to say about you, or worse, if someone knows the bad things you’ve done-
the whole world will crash and burn.
Yikes. Heavy stuff, am I right? 😅 I learned pretty quickly that it wasn’t safe to speak up, use my voice or follow my heart… which meant that people-pleasing also became my bread-and-butter.
I learned how to show up as others needed or expected me to. Honestly I thought I was really good at reading energy, but as it turns out, I was just really good at surveying situations to figure out who I needed to show up as in order to feel safe.
I was your chronic yes-girl. You need me to listen and be your shoulder? I’m all ears. You need me to do something for you to make your life easier? Let me clear my calendar. You’re not happy with how I’m showing up? Let me bend over backwards and apologize ten-ways-to-Sunday so that you forgive me.
No wasn’t in my vocabulary. I over-poured, over-gave, and over-committed for most of my life- and the most embarrassing part? I’m only really seeing it now for the first time in my life at the age of 33.
An entire lifetime spent masking, shrinking, and giving all of my energy away.
I’m done with all of it.
Learning to speak up.
I’d love to give you some magical, inspirational story of how I woke up one day and suddenly the power to express myself and my needs just came pouring out-
but the truth is it was hard as fucking hell.
It didn’t happen suddenly. It took a solid two years of consistent, uncomfortable effort. Two years of learning how to say no and stand up for myself. Two years of my ego screaming at me “what the hell are you doing”- and me continuing forward anyways into what honestly felt like death.
In a way, it was a death I guess. An ego death- where I was stepping out of a comfort zone of all I had known for my entire life, and instead stepping into the unknown of what ‘could be’.
It was the process of actively rewriting old patterns, conditioning and programming- one small step at a time. And a small step it certainly was, at first!
Truthfully? You do not go from 30 years of hardcore people-pleasing to suddenly screaming no into the abyss and flipping people off. It just doesn’t happen that way- or at least, it just didn’t happen that way for me.
It was gradual, and I had to learn not just how to say no- but how to say no without:
apologizing
feeling bad/guilty
giving an excuse or reason
overexplaining why
overthinking all the ways it could be seen as bad
compromising
It was a learning curve. I started with really small things like saying what I wanted for dinner rather than an ‘I don’t know’ or ‘you choose’.
I began to speak my mind, say what I needed, ask for more (god forbid), and remove anything from my calendar that didn’t light me the fuck up.
In the beginning, this looked like me saying ‘I’ll get back to you’, ‘I’ll think about it’, ‘I’ll take a rain check’… to now saying things like ‘no thank you’, ‘that doesn’t feel in alignment’, ‘I’ll have to pass’, or ‘I appreciate you thinking of me but I’m just not interested’.
I had to learn to take the reasoning, the explaining, the emotion out of it all- and just be blunt, honest and upfront (which let’s be honest, as a Scorpio, that’s my true identity anyways). This doesn’t mean being unkind. But it does mean being direct.
There’s no beating around the bush. There’s no pretending or faking. There’s no ‘softening’ or ‘cushioning’ the delivery just so I don’t hurt someone’s feelings.
There’s just honesty about where I’m at and what I want- and a commitment to living in alignment with myself no matter what. And funny thing is, surprise, surprise… the whole world didn’t crash and burn when I started to do this either (go figure 🙄).
In fact, eventually what I realized was this:
I matter + I get to exist.
I have zero responsibility for anyone else’s emotional status other than my own.
My life is for me to live.
Being ‘spiritual’ and ‘healed’ actually means being raw, authentic and messy.
It’s safe to say no and stand up for myself.
The more doors I close that aren’t in alignment, the more that open that are.
Facing conflict is healthier than running from it.
Not everything requires a response.
And finally… if it’s not a ‘fuck yes’ then it’s a fuck no.
The consequences.
Starting slow helped me expand my capacity, stretch my comfort zone, and get my ego comfortable with a whole new way of acting, being and living.
In the last six months, I’ve noticed this even more deeply- and I’ve started to really pay attention to how I’m showing up in my life. You know, where I’m pouring my energy. Where I’m spending my time. What (or who) I’m prioritizing.
And while it has been incredible to witness the changes in my life in such a short amount of time… I also wasn’t prepared for the consequences that this would lead too.
Therefore, to help you feel most prepared in your journey to speaking up more- or to assure you that you are not alone if you currently find yourself in this space too- I’ve compiled a list of the top five things unleashing my voice has inevitably led to.
Let’s explore these together, shall we?
Your relationships will change.
I felt like this had to be the first thing I talked about, because honestly? It’s the most uncomfortable thing I’m noticing of where I’m at right now. Friendships in my life are changing- and I’m not sure how I feel about it quite yet.
The truth is that I’ve had a lot of ‘phases’ in my life as I’ve learned how to heal my trauma and move forward- and I’ve outgrown a lot of different people throughout the years. Part of this may just be the normal seasons of life, but I think part of that is also me learning how to speak up for myself. That part feels especially true right now.
In the years leading up until now, I’d classify myself as the giver. I liked to show up, pour into empty cups, raise people up and be their ‘everything’. I never asked for much, never spoke up when things bothered me, and never expected anyone to be there for me.
I quite literally, programmed my adult friendships to match my childhood teachings.
Show up, give everything, say nothing, be grateful for what is returned to you (even if it’s crumbs)- and ALWAYS take responsibility for the emotional climate of those around you.
Ugh. 😒 Does that resonate with you? Not surprisingly, most of us as women have been conditioned to show up this way in our lives and it’s something very few learn to overcome.
The truth is that when I started to really use my voice in the last 6-12 months, my relationships were the first things to change and shift. Things have been getting and continue to be uncomfy. Why? Well, because I’m not over-apologizing, over-explaining or over-giving like I used to.
I’m showing up different, and other people can feel it.
I’m not chasing people down for get togethers. I’m not messaging a million times when I don’t hear back. I’m speaking up when something bothers me. I’m not beating around the bush pretending I feel different than I do-
I’m being honest, direct, and matching energy received with energy given.
Not out of spite. Not negatively. Just a heart-centered return of what comes in going back out- and honestly… it feels fucking good.
For the first time in a long time my cup feels fuller, and I don’t feel like I’m chasing validation or ‘enoughness’ in anyone outside of myself. It’s an incredible place to be at- but not everyone feels that way.
Friendships are thus, changing. Communication is slowing down. Distance is being created. Some people are being outgrown, and others? We’re learning how to evolve our friendships with these new boundaries and expectations in place.
My circle feels small right now, and maybe that’s not a bad thing.
But one thing I do know for sure is that I want to create space in my life for more people who are on the same wavelength and are taking responsibility for the way they show up in their relationships.
The things that used to light you up, won’t.
When someone gets accustomed to wearing a mask their whole life- it can be really hard to know what is ‘real’ and what is learned. Passions or interests therefore, can also become a part of this confusing equation.
For 30 years, I was really good at fitting in boxes. Showing up as I believed a person or situation required me to. I was a real-life shape shifter fueled by external expectations… and I was damn good at it.
In the last few years, as the masks started to fade and I started to figure out who I really am, I suddenly was faced with a harsh reality:
A lot of what I ‘thought’ I enjoyed in life… I actually didn’t. Like:
Getting drunk every single weekend and waking up with a hangover? No thanks.
Consistently being relied on by people like clients and employees? Hard pass.
Being glued to social media and tv shows because of FOMO? Not as much.
Working my life away for the ‘American Dream’? Hell. Fucking. No.
Turns out, these things and more were just another way of me doing what I thought I should do or what I was told to do. Ways of fitting in, following societal norms, doing what’s ‘right’.
Unleashing my voice and speaking up meant that I had to come into alignment with who I was and what I really wanted in life. And THAT meant that I could no longer pretend that what I was doing in my life was fulfilling.
Since then, I’ve taken a full step-back from the hustle-culture mentality. I’ve started rewriting what my life looks like without fear of what others will think or say about me. I’ve let go of habits, behaviours, careers, hobbies, and more. A lot without a replacement or backup plan, just simply letting them go because they didn’t feel right.
And while it’s been incredibly freeing- I’d also be lying if I said it was easy because the truth is, this was just as hard and uncomfortable as the relationships in my life changing. When you begin to outgrow old passions, it can also feel like you’re losing a part of yourself (which you kind of are- your old identity, that is).
But in doing so? I’ve found the things that actually do light me up and make me feel fucking good. I’ve created space to try new things, play, experiment, and get curious.
I’ve found a new career (hello writing) that feels natural and easy. I’ve created new habits that support the way I want to feel and live. And I’ve unsubscribed from anything impacting my freedom, happiness or peace.
It’s a consequence, but a good one ultimately. Because you can’t expect change unless something changes. And if you want something new, you need to let go of something old.
An exchange (or upgrade) of energy, if you will.
Energy will be matched and mirrored.
This is one of those things where I feel like I need to preface this by saying ‘your intention matters’- both in the giving and the receiving. Because you can do whatever you want in this lifetime, and it can have two very different results (positive or negative).
It’s all just based on the energy and vibration you’re holding within it.
For me, I’m making a conscious choice to match and mirror energy in my life this year. But this choice, as I outlined above, is not done out of spite or negatively. I’m not harbouring ‘bad energy’ in my energetic response. I’m just living my life in the way that I want to live it, and pouring into the places that feel like an equal exchange of energy.
In the beginning of the ‘unleashing my voice’ journey, I do believe that this consequence was mainly an unconscious one done without much thought. As I started to come back into alignment with me, I started to pull back from anything that didn’t feel good.
But being on the ‘other side’ now, where I can consciously recognize the actions I am taking as I take them, I know that I am making the active choice to pour where it feels good to pour.
For an example, in my relationships, I am choosing to match and mirror the energy that’s being given- in communication times, in invitations, in scheduling get togethers, all of it. I choose to show up in the way that others are showing up because for a long time I overpoured here and it’s left me with giving more than I’m receiving.
I don’t desire to be the one chasing down others, holding space in my calendar for get togethers that never happen, or not hearing back from messages I send.
I deeply value communication and connection- but when that energy is not returned, it feels like there’s a hole in the bucket I am pouring into. I keep pouring and pouring, but that energy is leaking, draining me, and not resulting in anything useful.
So, naturally, choosing to preserve that energy means that I have more to give to other areas of my life- areas that will result in a bigger ROI for this current stage of life.
The same can be said for areas like business. I’m stepping into my ‘cunty era’. The era where I dream bigger, do better, and attract more. I have big visions for myself, and the people or opportunities I welcome in, must match this energy.
If an opportunity to work with someone pops up but they aren’t responding in a reasonable time or don’t seem to be prioritizing the connection, I’ll move on. If someone applies to be on my podcast but doesn’t take the time to fill out the application form with much detail, I’ll skip over them.
I desire deeper, bolder, more heart-centered connections. I want to pour into places where my energy expands and returns 10x. I will not chase, beg or plead for anything in my life anymore- and that feels wildly expansive.
But coming back to that preface, you need to acknowledge that this is VERY different than mirroring energy from a petty, spiteful, negative place. When you ‘retract’ your energy for malicious reasons, you are inviting that very same energy back to you. 10/10 do not recommend as this will always leave you feeling emptier in the end.
Instead, you want to choose yourself and pour into the places that honour that. Leading with love will always result in more love for yourself in your life.
People will be triggered by you.
If points 1 & 3 didn’t sum it up enough for you, let’s dive in a little deeper (lol).
For starters, it’s important that I note right off the bat as I said that I am a Scorpio. Whether or not you believe in astrology- we really do be like that 😅.
I am a master at mirroring, I can see right through you, and your energy is the first thing I see/feel when you’re in my orbit. Vibes are everything for me. And while ‘reading and assessing’ the energy of others used to be a quiet, reserved and oftentimes repressed thing I did- since unleashing my voice it is quite literally the opposite.
I see everything. I feel everything. And you can’t bullshit me. I know from the moment you enter my energetic space (in person or ‘online’) what mood you’re in, whether or not you ‘like’ me, and if you’re telling the truth.
And I 100% match vibes with vibes.
I will match and mirror the energy that I am receiving in every conversation. I’ll start out kind, patient, and understanding always. I have a humungous heart and I wear it on my sleeve. I love being a good person and I’ll be the first to hold a door open for a stranger or offer assistance to someone in need.
But, when my kindness or openness is met with hostility, coldness or someone tries to take advantage of it- look out. I’ll match your energy and mirror back to you exactly what you’re dishing out. Like I’m not an asshole- but I will face the situation head on, address boundaries and stand up for myself.
And the truth? People don’t like that.
They don’t like to be challenged or have their behaviours or actions reflected back to them. Especially when they are not consciously aware of their own emotions or energetic state- because when this happens, they feel like they are being attacked. When in reality, it’s just their own beliefs, feelings, and thoughts being mirrored back to them.
I used to be scared of being a trigger to other people. I used to walk on eggshells, hoping I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings or ‘make them feel badly’. But what I realize now is that emotional intelligence means taking responsibility for how you feel, always. But it is NOT taking responsibility for anyone else’s emotional climate.
No one makes you feel any certain way. Every emotional state you find yourself in is of your own creation. When you get mad, sad, frustrated or annoyed- you’re feeling this because of your own thoughts, beliefs and life experiences up until this point.
Thus, triggering people or being triggered yourself is actually a really beautiful thing, because it shows us exactly where we are not free. Unleashing my voice has given me the power to see the areas I am not free and take responsibility for them- and it has also given me the power to stop taking responsibility for anyone else.
Your calendar will get quiet.
There was a time, not so long ago, where my calendar was my pride and joy. I would show it off and exclaim, “look how busy I am”, “look at how many calls I have”, “look at all the things I’m doing”.
My days, weeks, months and years would be packed with one thing after the next. I’d say it’s exactly what I wanted- that I ‘thrived’ on being busy. That I loved it.
But the honest-to-god truth of it all? My calendar was packed with shit I had zero desire in doing. It was fluff. Superficial. A show of ‘look at me and how important I am’. It was for the validation and approval of others- to please, to give, to pour.
I’d continuously scramble and stress to get it all done, whilst also wishing secretly (and out loud) for more hours in a day. No part of that felt good- no matter how hard I tried to gaslight myself into thinking it did.
So once I started to make my way back to ‘me’… I began to slowly recognize all the things that I was committing to that just didn’t make sense. The outings I dreaded. The events that drained me. The coffee dates with people I’d rather stab myself in the eye than see.
I said I wanted freedom, but my calendar was packed to the brim with no time off. Talk about irony.
I decided right then and there that I was no longer going to live like that- and I slowly began to decline invitations to things that just didn’t feel good.
Slowly, overtime, my calendar quieted.
At first it felt wrong and like I was maybe missing out on certain things- but eventually? Now? It feels like a breath of fresh air.
I have more white space than anything else. Complete time freedom. The ability to choose what I do and when I do it. And the best part? The things that are making their way onto my calendar are the things that I actually want to do.
My energy and time are being maximized- and instead of showing up feeling resentful for the plans I made- I am showing up feeling energized, engaged and excited.
So while my calendar might be quieter, it is fully in alignment, and probably one of the best ‘consequences’ that actually happened as a result of using my voice more.
There you have it, my friends.
This list, while not fully inclusive of all the consequences using your voice can bring, is a direct representation of my journey to expressing myself more over the last few years.
These things might seem scary, and while at times, they are- they are also some of the most freeing steps you can take towards getting in alignment with yourself and actually living your life for you.
I hope that some of the items I’ve shared today resonated with you, and I’d love to connect below with you in the chat about the consequences you’ve noticed in your life from using your voice.
Here’s to our thirties and the changes it brings. Thanks for reading.
Screaming no into the abyss,
Brianne